Pondering

"When I started to experience a full spectrum of emotions again, I added patches of gold to celebrate feeling fully alive again."

Usually, I begin a painting because an image continually occupies my thoughts, which leads me to my easel. Layered Yearning was however not created from a place of inspiration, rather it was from a place of desire to feel the sun on my face again while the wind lift my hair in sensory enjoyment. I longed just to feel again, to get rid of the emotionless numbness that laid heavily upon my soul.

It was November, a cloudy and stormy month, which is quite normal during autumn here in the Netherlands. However the stormy clouds inside of me felt anything but normal. It felt like arrows were raining down on my family and community from all sides, a full-blown attack on our health & relationships. Standing strong felt like an impossible task and I allowed fear to sweep my feet from under me. 

Fear activates destructive thoughts of "what if". It swept me from the here and now into a swirl of downward possibilities of what tomorrow may bring, magnifying the potential risks and consequences. I needed something to grab onto, so I painted my yearning. 

The first layer of paint was ‘n murky mess of moody blues and browns, as was the state of my heart. As time passed and I felt some positive changes, I layered yellow and orange on top as I awaited the fire inside of me to light up again. About a month later, I added pink in the hope that my gentle spirit will become more naturally visible again to those around me.

“Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:5-15)

Finally, when I started to experience a full spectrum of emotions again, I added patches of gold to celebrate feeling fully alive again.

Honestly, this painting would not fall into a category of excellence when it comes to technique and use of color, in fact, an art expert would probably throw it out. To me however, it deserves a special place in my art collection, particularly because of it’s imperfection. It is an honest representation of the layered walk of life and stands as a beautiful testimony of trusting God for restoration in body, spirit and soul.